Saturday, 16 April 2011

  • A Year Minus a Few Weeks

    I wish I was braver.  I wish I was stronger.  I wish that I could remember what I know to be true despite what anyone else says.

    How is it that I still let him get to me.  How can I be so confident walking in the door and within minutes feel like the small, frightened child he taught me to be? 

    You may be wondering what I'm going on about.  The details probably aren't all that important.  What's important is that I have to be strong.  I have to remember I deserve better.  That I can do this. 

    In a year, minus a few weeks, I'll be free.  I'll have the paper in hand and the property and  money that's due me.  And I will never have to deal with him again. 

    It's a year away though.  I have to figure out how to get from here to there without letting him continue to get to me.  If I don't, I risk losing someone that's becoming very important to me.  At least that's my fear.  That this very important person will grow tired of my self-doubts and occasional self-loathing.  That he won't be willing to help me see what he sees any more because he's not so sure he sees it anymore either.

    In the end, a year from now- whether I'm alone or not, whether I get everything that's legally mine or get stiffed, whether I cried more than I laughed...I'm going to be ok.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I deserve this.  And while I hope that in a year, this other 'he' will still think I'm wonderful, beautiful and 'super', I will still be those things even if he no longer agrees.

    Because I set my worth.  And I'm setting it high. 


Tuesday, 22 March 2011

  • A Different Kind Of Love

    For better or worse, I've been thinking a lot about love in the last week.  I'm not in love...yet.  I just suddenly see the  potential.  But I'm not talking about that today.  At least not in this post.  Except for the part where I already did.

    Um, yeah.

    So, take a look at this picture:



    I took that this morning.  This is what a typical morning looks like for me. Except the ones when we all wake up cranky and then, well, you don't really want to know about those mornings.

    These are the two girls I nanny.  They have a brother but he was too busy 'cage fighting ninjas and darth vader's family" to get in the picture with us.  He's a special boy. 

    I adore these children.  This is the love of which I speak.  The little one, we'll call her giggles.  Makes me smile every day. Without fail.  It's always Dojo this and Dojo that...she calls me Dojo.  She has no problem saying Jody...she simply refuses.  Many mornings I get woken by her on the monitor saying "Dojo uuuPP?  Dojo...night night all done. Dojo....need help get up."  Much much better than an alarm clock.  The older girl, Beauty, well...she's just too much, too.  She is constantly cracking me up.  Between the two girls silliness and their brother's constant need to 'fight' bad guys, it's rarely a dull moment.

    This morning, just before I took this picture, this is what was going on.  I gave the ten minute 'warning' for leaving for school.  Giggles puts her hands on hips and says, "Dojo! No go! Shake your booty!"  this prompted five minutes of sheer silliness with lots of 'shake your booty', 'you're too tiny to have a booty', 'I no tiny' and my personal favorite..."oh yeah? Your boyfriend has no booty!"

    Don't ask.  Cuz, I don't really know.  Well, I do know...but he's not my boyfriend.  And she's only seen a few pictures of him.  But she's convinced I love him and that he's my boyfriend...and that he has no booty for some reason. 

    That my friends is a job to love.  And I do.  I love my job.  A different kind of love...but love all the same.



Sunday, 20 March 2011

  • Accidentally Inappropriate

    I was IM'ing with a friend yesterday.  And I said something that still makes me laugh to the point of tears when I think about it.  Maybe it wasn't all that funny, I don't know.  I do know that it might just be one the most inappropriate things I've ever said to a guy that I like. It made quite the impression.

    What was it you ask?

    "I like playing with assholes."

    In context, in my head, it was a perfectly sensible thing to say.  As soon as I hit enter and re-read it...I lost it.  It sounds just so wrong.  I was laughing so hard I could barely type anything.  I managed to say "that sounded really, really wrong".

    Thankfully, he found it quite amusing, too. 

    The context you ask? 

    Oh, well, if you really want to know.

    I had asked him who one of his friends on Facebook was.  This friend had written "are you sure she was a woman" on his status about me ("I just spent three hours talking to a very beautiful woman.  There might be hope for me yet."  awww!).  He said the guy was an asshole and not to take him seriously. 

    I said I wouldn't let him bother me but I might enjoy playing with him...because I enjoy playing with assholes. 


    *giggle, snort*

  • I write because I don't like who I am when I stay silent. I write because I'd rather give up breathing than writing. I don't claim to be good, but I claim to try. I hope to make people think, to consider the state of their own lives. I try to write about things that matter. Not everything I write is serious, though, as laughing matters. I write and hope you will read.

Helping Reunite Pets and their Soldiers

Learn what this is about on FB at Puppy Rescue Mission.

repressedwriter

  • Visit repressedwriter's Xanga Site
    • Name: Jody
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 11/5/2008
    • True

Random Thoughts