• I write because I don't like who I am when I stay silent. I write because I'd rather give up breathing than writing. I don't claim to be good, but I claim to try. I hope to make people think, to consider the state of their own lives. I try to write about things that matter. Not everything I write is serious, though, as laughing matters. I write and hope you will read.
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Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Monday, 23 November 2009

  • My Own Worst Enemy

    I've been spending a lot of time lately feeling discouraged.  And I have no one to blame but myself.  I let everything and anything get under my skin and stay there.  I can't even watch movies anymore because they just piss me off.  Life isn't a movie.  And no matter how much I want that epic movie kiss moment, you know the one, where the guy grabs the girls face and kisses her as if his life depends on it, as much as I want that, it ain't going to happen.  I'm not sure it happens for anyone in real life, but even if it does, it really isn't going to happen for me.

    That doesn't stop me from wanting it though.  And there in lies my problem.  I am not content with what I have or even what I could have if I got off my ass long enough to do something with my life. I want more.  I want a house and kids and a husband who looks at me like I'm the very air he breathes.  Wanting all of this, while knowing it isn't going to happen just makes me upset.  Simple solution would be to stop wanting it.  To find a way to be content with the here and now.  I have a roof over my head.  I do not have to worry about where the next rent check is going to come from and I never go hungry or for want of any real need. 

    This isn't really me.  I am not this angry, bitter person.  I am better than that.  Yet, here I am stuck anyway.  Stuck feeling sorry for myself and what will never be.  Dreaming of a happy ever after that can never happen instead of making the most of the life that is. 

    I guess I could cut myself some slack.  Remember what time of year it is.  Remember that this time two years ago I was pregnant.  That in two weeks time I will mark another anniversary of loss.  While I haven't spent much time really thinking about that, I think my body just knows.  I think that memory lies deeper than my mind and into the fiber of my body.  So that even though I am not thinking of it, my body remembers and grieves.  And because it's easier to get upset about things that have a chance, however minuscule, of changing then to get upset over something that won't change.  Something that was lost and can't be replaced.  Besides, my disappointment in life circumstances such as a tiny apartment and a not so perfect love life are much easier for my friends to commiserate with me than things they don't understand no matter how much they want to.

     

Thursday, 19 November 2009

  • Last Night

    I've been trying to write this post all day.  It hasn't worked so far, but I'll give it another go.  I think the problem has been trying to capture all the things that 'impressed' me. 

    I'll say first that my friend Chris is amazing.  The only time I was scared at all was when we were going on a call at 90 mph through city streets.  I freak out on a regular drive when there is traffic...so this was very nerve wracking for me.  Had nothing to do with him, though. 

    It was neat to be able to see someone I know as a friend 'do their job' for a day.  Especially with a job like his.  He said a lot of great things that I wrote down and will process later for the book (since that is why I went in the first place!)  but there is one thing that really stuck with me.  He said if you imagine a professional boxer or MMA athlete.  Assume they have a 10 year career, which is unlikely, but just assume so.  What are the chances they will go undefeated in their 10 year career?  It's unheard of.  Everyone loses a fight now and then.  He's been a cop for 10 years; he can't lose a fight or he might not make it home that night.  And he faces a fight of one kind or another every single time he goes to work.  I've always respected and appreciated our law enforcement officers, but thinking about it in those terms really opened my eyes.

    I was also struck by the lack of resources the Baltimore City Police Department has and the deplorable shape those limited resources are in.  They have an unenviable job of trying to keep the city safe and somehow they have to do it without enough cars for each officer, cars that break down and aren't allowed to expect any type of pay increase any time soon.  In fact, pay cuts and furlough days are being rumored.  How can we allow this?  It was comical at the time, when his cruiser broke down and we had to get a jump from the other unit in his sector.  It was really funny when the car completely died in the intersection right before the station and the van that had followed us back had to give us a push to make it to the parking space.  We laughed and joked about.  This morning though, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if someone was shot in his sector while we were limping home in a broken down cruiser.  Sure, other units would be assigned and the situation handled.  But at what cost? At what number of additional crucial minutes?  There was nothing different he could have done then, this isn't placing blame on any officer.  It's questionning the logic of budgeting gurus who seem to think cars with 100,000 miles on them should be driven 24 hours a day through pot-holed streets without any real break. 

    /rant.

    I'm still processing much of what happened.  It was certainly an adreline rush, even if nothing all that exciting happened.  The 'highlights':

    • car wreck with a 'victim' giving an Oscar worthy performance until the ambulance doors were closed,
    • the suicidal man that took a bunch of cumidin and decided he didn't want to die after all,
    •  the run away teen that apparently had made it back to the group home but had a phone conversation to finish so didn't bother knocking until we showed up
    • seeing what I thought was some high kid doing a freaky dance only to learn it was some gang related step routine
    • a breaking and entering in progress, but oh, wait nevermind
    • a real breaking and entering with a woman that was just a bit odd
    • an asthma attack by yours truly which I think was brought on by the vest.  It's hard to breathe in those things. 
    Chris- I hope you follow the link from Facebook and read to the end here, because I want to say thanks.  It was great and I'd actually like to do it again once or twice more if you don't mind to get more insight.  I promise to not freak out at your driving- well not too much.  And thanks for doing what you do every day to keep us safe.  Oh, and in case you missed it...they didn't get the laptop. 



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Random Thoughts

  • feeling guilty about a dream I had last night.  Stupid, but what can I do?
  • Ride along was awesome if not entirely what I was expecting.  I should be posting details today.  90 mph through city streets....
  • Going into the depths of Baltimore City on a police ride along.  If I don't return- I loved you all.  Well, most of you.